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Let me start off by saying that I am not a Psychologist. Though i do know some, not because I need to visit them, but through places of worship ive visited and attended. Places of worship you can come across all different types of people, from Doctors and Nurses, to Mechanic’s and Window Cleaners, to Studentsnat TAFE or UNI.You also may come across Labourer’s and Electricians, Child Care Workers and Supermarket Checkout Persons, and everything in between. I happen to met some Psychologist. After speaking to some people i know about someone else i know, everyone without fail seems to always asked me the same question about this particular person, and that was “did they have a difficult / hard upbringing as a child?” Incidentally the answer is “YES”. The person in question told me a few times about how one of their parents was always extremely hard on them. This lead me to ask the Psychologist is it at all possible that troubled abused children can carry that trauma into their adult lives? The answer was a resounding “YES – it happens a lot, its more common than we think”. Examples would be, eg, if a someone was abused as a child, there likely tomabuse other children when they grow up ( example only -monkey see monkey do type thing. If someone learn as a child that lying gets them what they want, then when they grow up with that in their lives, they lie to people in order to get what the want, it just continues through the years into their adult lives.
Likewise if their parents were very neglectful towards their children growing up, then likely they will be cold hearted towards others when they grow up because they dont know love or compassion, they become a bit with drawn . Where as if someone grew up with parents always complementing them and helping them and encouraging and supporting their initiatives, then when they grow up they are more self confident and have a tendancy to also reflect the same encouragement and support to others when they grow up into adulthood.
Just the same as when Yahshua / Jesus said He come to the Fathers will / work, He only does what He has seen His Father do. Once again reflecting what He has seen in His childhoof shown to Him by example by His Father.
However this can also be very destructive if we have had bad relationships with our parents growing up. This is where it can get scary and destructive. If as for some people they havhad been subjected to much abuse and neglect and not complemented, but told they were not good enough and they will not be able to door live with the same lifestyle as them, and put down as not being able to reach the mark example as set by their parents, they may also get resentful and self protective and build barriers against figure heads or against certain people who are coose to them.
It is infact highly possible if you had an abusive father you may seek an abusive man as a husband, or to protect yourself from being hurt again by another male figure head you would go into protection mode and push the male away in order to protect you from being hurt again. You have herd the saying, All men are bastards” and “They are all cheats”, and never again will they allow any other man into their lifes or allow any man to enter into their close relationship with a man again in order to protect themselves from being hurt again. It is also highly possible for them to try and create division and push the man away by accusing them of things that are not true, but were what happened to them as a child or by some other man and therefore accuse and push them away by this particular accusation because it was done tomyou before by another man who yo had trusted and let in your life, and you not want to have that happen again.
Now this can be true for both males and females, im using the female to male example in this scenario.
Here is an example of the Transferrance. Lets say you are growing up as a little girl ( or boy, but we using femle to male for this example ) and you wanted to make your bed. Every time you go to make your bed and put your toys away, your male brother comes in and starts jumping on your bed, while the other boy comes in and plays with your toys. Lets say this was a daily occurrence. Every time you tried to make your bed, your brother would take the covers off or sit on the bed or take the pillows, etc, or if you tried to clean your room, your brother or brother friends would be playing with your toys and be taking them out of your cubboard.
Growing up you would put boundaried in your room stating no males / no boys in the bedroom. Now lets say 20 years later you get married and you now have to share a bedroom with the husband male. You see him in the bedroom and he is making the bed. You freak out and call to him,NO – GET OUT ! ! ! you are not allowed in this room till i have finished making the bed and cleaning the room – NOW GET OUT ! ! ! “.
Now the male has not done anything wrong. Infact he was going to make the bed and clean the room, because thats something he has been doing for many years. However the womans experience is quite different to that of hers. She would then be saying, he was messing up the bed and making a mess when i was wanting to make the bed. She would start accusing him of the very things she herself was doing, she would be accusing him of things he never said or dome. But she is TRANSFERRING” the experience with her past males experience with making the bed and cleaning the room onto him. Although what she accused him of was not true, it was a blatent lie, she would accuse him of things like he just wanted to read her dairy and draw on the mirror and mess up the bed and take all the toys out of the cubboards etc etc. Although this was never the case, her past experience with males in the past leads her tomaccuse him of all the things she has ever seen other males do in the past.
This “TRANSFERRANCE” can and usually does cause lroblems in the persons adult life. Normally they do not see anything wrong with what they are doing, but the behaviour is very destructive to those around them. Transferrance takes shape in a variety of ways, from those who someone may take instant affection for, to those who they have great resentment towards based on their past childhood experience. Someone whomwas always loved and hugged and kissed by their father, they themselves will be drawn to a figure head like a doctor or lawyer or someone in an assumed position of authority, and be drawn to them intimitally for a relationship, like what their relationship they had with their father, they looking for someone who will take that roll of their father who was always there for them, to hug them and kiss them and provide for them and always yearn for that intimate connection.
The problem is when people carry over these needs and responses from childhood into adulthood, they do not see a problem with what they are doing, to them it is perfectly normal and nothing is wrong, though others around them see how destructive or how wrong that relationship is or how they are being towards others.
I asked a psychologist is there any way to break these destructive behaviours and to get them to see what theybare doing to help them? The answer unfortunately is a resounding “NO – there is nothing you can do – thats life, its like an alcoholic, they can not be helped unless they admit to themselves there is a problem, but to them there is no problem – so there is no problem” the problem is only to those around them who have to deal with these destructive personalities.
So unless like an alcoholic you can not help them unless they first be truthful and admit to themselves they have a problem, and they have to want to get help, then its a long process formthem to break that habbit, but unless they can be honest with themselves and want to get help and unless they want to get better / change, then there is nothing anyone can do, because to them there is no problem, and unfortunately the rest of those people will have to unfortunately deal with the problems of the “TRANSFERRANCE” destructive personalty disorder.
So if you know someone who has a destructive personalty such as “Transferrance” and they acknowlwdge they have this problem, pray for them, and maybe advise the TWELVE STEP PROGRAM to guide them throgh it.
Otherwise if they do not accept anything is wrong with them, then all i can advise is pray about it and pray about them to God. Can you bare to live with this personalty disorder or do you need to break from them, seek Gods will and guidance, share your burdens with another caring person who will be there for you and pray for / with you about your situation.
May Gods Blessings Be Upon You.