My Struggle With Compulsive Lying

Source https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xeyv79e5fYA

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Hello everyone, Val here and today i do not do a gaming video i talk about what its like for me to be a compulsive liar
and as the statement implys, i am a compulsive liar.
now there are a couple things i need to mention before i begin, arr one is the probably the most important one is that while i believe i am a compulsive liar, i haven’t actually gotten that confirmed by someone with a degree in physiology.

So, i i think so, i dont know exactly, um, prehaps one of you who will then watch this video could leave a comment.

The second thkng i need to mention and i am experiencing already is it is very difficult to speak truthfully about myself.
And, so we are going to encounter a lot of holding of speech and pauses in the video that i apologize for in advance.

Then also there this might go into some pretty emotional content for me so you may have to bare with me through that and i hope you will have the patience to do so.

So im a compulsive liar and a very natural question after a person hear a statement like that is well he just admitted to me that you’re a compulsive liar, how can i believe anything that you say now.

And there actually are very good answers to this question that do not involve trusting me.
So what you can do is you can look online and you can find guide on, how to tell if someone is lying and there are dozens and dozens and dozens of guides out there on this subject, and you can compare the video to it and see how well i do .

Another thing you can do is you can think critically about the video whether im consistant, whether i make sense, err, or what i am saying is logical, um whether i make outrageous claims, that sort of things you can, you can do all these things and determine for yourselves whether I’m lying to you.

With and and trusting me is is not apart of this process, so the third thing I’d like to mention is that ill attempt to explain how i can tell you the truth about myself despite being a compulsive liar, and maybe that will give you a little bit insight abput arr myself and why i speak to you this way, that that sort of thing.

So one of the several topica that, ar several branchs that i want to explore compulsive lying is how i became a compulsive liar.
I think thats an important piece of the puzzle for understand what it is like to be one. Um because no no one is born being a compulsive liar, its we’re not even capable of language when we are born for a while and so it the the urge the urge to lie is something we picked up later in life.

So i was not born a compulsive liar, i learned to be one. And there the i it would be apart of my experience in terms of lying compulsively was i learned that lying was necessa err, it felt like lying was necessary for survival when i was a small child.
I a at this point i am able to look back at my experience as an adult who is capable of rational thought at a much higher degree and see that no it actually probably wasnt strictly necessary for my survival to lie but it sure hell felt like it, back then.
Um.
a a a and until relatively recently i mean i still have that instinct in me, so what happened to me and how i developed this i this instinct or this this this idea or that lying was necessary for my survival was um, as a small child I learned that lying was something that was good to do, you should you should tell ar, i said that entirely wrong.

As a small the as a small child i, wops wops a daisy i i made a mess up. As a small child i learned that telling the truth was a good thing to do as those most child everywhere, most children everywhere. So i i had this, i had this standard that telling the truth is a good thing, you should tell the truth experience growing up, ar so i as a small child im like, actually this is a comp wide range of time but starting from when was a small child ok, telling the truth is a good thing so lets try this out, so i i started by by naturally telling the truth in the beginning. And what i discovered was that while people were telling me that i should tell the truth, the way they behaved taught me something very different. So what hppened was i discovered my rather strange family which is another story for another time. And that when i told the truth about myself the adults in my life particularly those cared for me, i mean parents, the parents that sort of thing, reacted in ways that were very poor and very harmful, for example this may sound silly but when my, ok, let me start over, this may sound silly but my mother, you and i like to meditate and i i like to meditate with her it seemed like a a really good thing and and now i can look back and say hey meditation is like cool relaxing activity that it is good to do all around.

However for some reason whenever my father, when um my father, my step father, whenever my step father discovered that my mother and i meditated and that my mother meditated and i meditated as like a little kid, he would get incredibly angry and sort of have this explosive rage that that came out, and i was completely baffled by this because it seemed like an innocent activity to me then and it still seems lkke an innocent activity to me now and i i am still rather baffled by it to this day.
And that this one of many examples, so what happened was i discovered that people want, people tell me that i shold tell the tuth, but based upon the way they react and the example of step father and his exposive rage and then many others scattered throughout my life they they actually thats not what they want.

And um this was really important to me because when you’re like eight, having your parents like you and not reject you and like cast you out on the street is sort of a matter of life and death, or at least at least it seems that way, and e e it’s somewhere between absolutely terrible and that between being kicked out of your house is something between absolutely terrible that no child should have to go through at eight years old and fatal.
So its somewhere in that range. And and thats why, first of all when when my father, my, r, I’m saying my father, when my step father rageed that way it definitely seemed like a life and death situation to me because as when i was eight years old that was exactly what felt like was at stake.
Hopefully i have made that clear, so, sort of recap, um people tell told me that telling the truth was good, and i should tell the truth. When i told the truth i was often met with a completely irrational response that scared the living shit out of me. And the big example i gave you was explosive rage and made me worried about sort of not having a family anymore as like a daily thing.

And, then so so what happened was lying got tied to like the basic survival fear instinct in me, and that is something that even at 23 years old, ge im 23 now, it is hard to decouple, it its hard to, i can know that lying is bad, and i can know that doesn’t serve me any more as sort of the way of going through life and that sort of thing, but its still hard to overcome that instinct which was reinforced in me over so many years of my life.

So, i hope, i hope i have given you egn, at least, i have given you one specific example of how i became to be, came to be a compulsive liar, but these are scattered through my life up until i was say 22.

And though i i guess ill move on now to what happens in my mind when i lie compulsively.

So what happens is arr with me my compulsive lying is specifically about self and thats where and thats where it comes out and its, ok ill ill give yourself give you an example, what happens is say lets say i have a pop tart for breakfast, and i am in a conversation with someone and they say to me, what did you have breakfast ? Now i know that i had a poptart for breakfast. But in the space before i say that something else happens, i know that a poptart is a very sugary ar generally accepted as unhealthy breakfast, its it’s sort of not something to be proud of i guess. And so when i remember this that a poptart is an unhealthy sort of breakfast, along with the memory of having a poptart for breakfast, i have this moment where the survival instinct kicks in and i and i become concern that if i tell them that i had a poptart for breakfast they will be disappointed.

If i, if i tell this, if i tell you that i had a poptart for breakfast that you will be disappointed, for which for most people is is sort of ok, you can, you can usually live with, to the disappointment that i had a like poptart for breakfast, i dont know, i mean you probably dont even care.
But i haven’t had a lot of root experiences where like seathing disappointment or explosive rage is a totally totally expectable response i i dont know if thats a word but, that that that’s a response that’s been given to me over over similar issues, and ar, so i become worried that you will react that way because i have experienced that over and over again in the past with people ive depended on who i cared about and loved and that sort of thing. And so i i the the the strength of that of that fear is is its its sort of like i i mentioned that survival instinct thing and it comes into, now and strings, but fear is not, oh i dont want him to not like me, its oh if i tell this, if i tell you that i had a poptart you guys are going to kick me out of the tribe and im going to wander alone through the forrest and get my face eaten by tigers, its that kind of intensity to the the the instinctual emotional response i have.

And so what happens is is instinctively i respond with, i had oat meal for breakfast. So what you had for breakfast, i really i i know i had a poptart for breakfast. Having a poptart is is shameful, and i, if i, if i reveal this shameful activity to you, i i am concerned, based on past experiences where this has actually happened that you will absolutely blow up in my face and i will die alone.

So so the dying alone part obviously didn’t happen but the blowing up in my face has, which presented me with the very legitimate threat of dying alone. Um and so, what happens is i i resort to instead saying, i had oatmeal for breakfast, because oatmeal is a safer thing to say for me. Um it’s generally regarded as a healthy food in my experience, um i havent had people blow up in my face about oatmeal, arrrr, its like advertised italian flavour and crap and stuff like that, so its a safer thing to say that minimizes m my risk of or err or a risk of you blowing up in my face to me which is really important and and a and a valid concern, and not a valid well, its something i walk around street with this this worry that people will explode in me for things that seem very inaguraus to me. And im sure they seem completely silly and inaguraus to you, so its interesting that way. So thats a little description of what happens in my mind, and that what happened in my mind for most of my life.

Um. Last year i woke up a little bit to the fact that what i experienced wasn’t normal, so i was i was walking around living my life figuring that everyone, that what i, that what i went through every day, and like having this the fear responses, and having this this survival instinct triggered again and again was normal, i thought everyone went through this, and i last year, i was i was first thought of this fact that not only did people not do this, but doing it was rather harmful, for me and for people around me, and and was a behavioural that no longer served my best interest.

W there was an interesting vocation to what i said which is that lying did serve my best interest when i was a child and there’s actually i think substantial merit to that idea.

So even as so even as an adult who knows that lying is bad, i do think that one point in my life lying made me a lot safer in my family – i dont know, um, anyway moving on before i get too emotional. Um, so, i i described this really powerful instinct to you. And um, when i first realizing that what i was doing was wasnt normal, it was, i i tried to stop, and i discovered that i couldn’t, the instinct was just so strong that every time i i i want to tell the truth, but i would have this overpowering fear response my brain would shut down and i would spit out a lie, er er and, so what happen what followed was a very dark time because for me personally, because i i couldnt stop lying, i didnt know how to stop lying, and i I really wanted to, and it it aided me that i couldn’t, so, um, there a lot of circumstances that helped me make progress, mo some of, the most substantial of them were which that my apart of arr, online communities as a gamer, and i reached out to one of the members of this community, of community, and arr, excuse me one moment, but arrr, i reached out to them, told them that i was a compulsive liar and they did not explode in my face, and they did not drop the friendship or dont even think that, they were very accepting of me, and, i dont know it blew my mind and it still does, im always shocked when people are able to learn that i am a compulsive liar and that still tolerate my presence, or not have an explosive reaction to me, or something like that, it is narely mind blowing, and i have no idea it happens,

But this is this is the emotional but, but um, so through reaching out for and arr other things that help, arr i managed to get a better handle on it, i i learned that people actually won’t react this way to me, people won’t react with arr, i learned that in addition to my lying not being normal, people reacting with anger when i tell them truth is actually not normal either arr which was really wonderful learn and arr i mean its just anger, i mean its just plain menta or whatever, but it its, yu m, very strong views in the past and absolutely terribly painful to go through.

So and that was that, and right now what i, what i do to manage myself and to be able to tell the truth most of the time when im really scared, like when im, when im really anxious really scared, the instinct design is much stronger and i cant always manage it in those circumstances. Excuse me. One, one moment.

Here we go. Im having troubles collecting my thoughts again. But, arr, so k so, yeah. Ok, one other the way, m there are a couple ways im able to tell the truth now, and they these work together, um and one is just be awareness of my, having an awareness of my thoughts and feelings, so i can be mindful of when im feeling afraid or when i, what im thinking arr, if im thinking arrr e e e if there any racing thoughts that happen that involve arrr what I expect this, how I expect this person to react, like if i people just freaking out about arrrr, them reacting being angry at me because i told them that arrrrr, good example, i dont know, i miss, i i accidentally bumed their books box out of position. Arr i i can sort of might might be aware of that im having this kind of thought and them im actually rather come, ive actually come rather good at at killing that thought in in, from the process of having it so my mindful of my thoughts, and mindful of my feelings, i can be aware of how i feel and stop harmful thoughts before they get too far out of hand. Which allows me to tell the truth for longer, and and and and keep myself in the zone where i where i still can, um so there is a lot of constant vigilance that goes into this, um always being aware of of myself and, the other, another other side of it is i practice, which it means that urr, i will practice walking up to people that i know usually and engaging them in a conversation with them and telling the truth about benawn subjects which is still difficult for me to do, so i will practice, they i got, i have, whatever i have for breakfast, i that is like health thing health healthy thing going on in my household when i had this green smoothy ar my dads girlfriend made for breakfast, so i i have i have this, i have a glss of this smoothy thing, and i will walk up to people and maybe they will ask me what did you have for breakfast, and will practice tellng tbem, i had a green smoothy for breakfast, um which, which is a thing i have to do, and um i have my good and bad days, i mean im not over this, and i doubt i ever will be, the way i think of it is i 23 years old now, if you think, i i believe that i mentioned that number of my age before the video.

So evidence that im telling you the truth, im consistent about, im consistant about that, my, if i didnt mention before in the video i apologize, ive taken a lot of cuts of this and i mentioned it in previous cuts, um.
i was, i was going to say that arrr, im 23 now if im not dealing with e, i expected it would at least take me 20 years for me to get over it. Like, i if i but if i manage to completly kick the instinct, or or the urge impulse before 20 years i will be ridiculously happy, like stupidly overjoy, arr it would be good, and i i hope that actually happens.

So, arrrrrr, i have my notes here, its apart of the reason i now alot, i have notes, but, one of the arrr, before i before i wrap up the video i wanted to mention a couple things about compulsive lying that people seem to believe, arr one of which is simply terminology issue which is pathological and compulsive lying are used interchangeably and i prefer compulsive lying, i think its more descriptive. Arrr it its just more descriptive, its less demmeaning, i mean your a YOUR A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR. As so its very, it its more disturbing to hear it than, you might, hey i think you might be a compulsive liar, and it it could help people come to terms with that more.

There is an excellent youtube video on arr why the terminology is better by an actual physiologist who knows what there talking about.
And i will link it below in the description if i remember to do so, ill ill will try to remember this.

The second thing i want to mention is i think there are a lot of different reasons for compulsive lying out there. So with me it’s because i thought it was necessary for my survival as a small child and them that was that they that belief was reinforced through the behavior of the people around me for a great man years. But there could be many other reasons, thee could be many other arr events that people go through that lead them to believe this, i, im sure that, while i havent actually met a any other compulsive liar person, we come in all variety of flavours, so yeah, i wanted to acknowledge that. And then finally there is the idea floating around there that compulsive liars believe their own lies. I dont know if this was the case for other people, arr, other compulsive liars, but for me i never got to the point where i was i believe my own lies, but the very idea sounds a little silly to me, um, simply because I haven’t experienced it myself, and i have not, if if, i am sure there is a place in the human psyche you can go, that you can reach where its where you start believing your own lies, um i did not reach there, fortunately for me. And so but but instead what happened is i tell a lie compulsively ar without necessarily having a choice in the matter before i developed the tools to manage that impulse and then i have great feelings of shame because I knew i was telling a lie that i couldnt stop and i would have horrible things like that, because i, as i said, in the beginning, middleish i guess, of the video i learned that compulsive lying, err that the, compulsive lying was, was bad of course, as, it but, more, the, which is, that lying itself is bad, and something we shouldn’t do, and telling the truth is good, which i actually agree with and i just wish that examples of my life were a little more, would reinforce that belief a little more in the past would have been very convenient for me. Arrr, thats most of what i wanted to say, to conclude, arrr,

i hope that I’ve given you a bit of an understanding about myself and what its like to be a compulsive liar, how strong the impulse to lie can be, um, how in some way this very much not a choice, but sort of why its called compulsive lie, and how even if someone wants to tell the truth, they they might not have the practicing tools to overcome the compulsion at first, so um, dealing with compulsive lying involves, well i i would hope a little bit of arr, compassion and support for the person lying, aa not just rejection. Because when that happens its sort of like, oh they learn the truth about me being a compulsive lier, i cant tell the truth and so i need to keep lying to people in order to remain apart of society, so, that i i think that hypothetical situation could very easily happen to someone, and it makes me a very sad to think about it.

And finally for if if there is someone watching this who believes their a compulsive liar or has has an experience similar to mine, or something like that, um, i want you to know you are not alone, and i know i know there is at least one other person, who i who i have never met, i just saw a post of that person, he details their experience of being a compulsive liar, so i know there’s at least one other person who who im speaking to right now, and your not alone, and while a physiologist of today seem rather confused and in a way a little bit clueless based on the Internet research that i have done which is not comprehensive by any means, arrr, we’re getting better at it, where i guess we’re getting more understood, and the there’s, there’s sort of a way for it i guess, so thank you al for watching and for my e bro’s i will try to publisg a video soon, and for all the people who tuned in to watch me talk about lying , i hope arr, it was helpful to you, it was help to you, it was certainly helpful for me to talk about, ar thank you fow watching and hopefully I will see you all next time.